How to Negotiate Like a Woman not a Man

Confessions of a Working Mom

Negotiation and conflict when I was younger always give me a stomach ache. As soon as someone would say I need to talk to you. I would sit there, go over and over in my mind...what did I do, what did I do wrong, then I would get called in to be told that I got the employee of the month award. And I would always think to myself why do I always go to the negative.? Why can't I see my worth? I would never think maybe they want to talk to me about the great job I am doing. The "what did I do wrong" mindset had to change. I started to look at myself and think, I am going to make myself a commodity they can't afford to lose. I started to look at myself as an expert and carry myself in that way. I walked into rooms like I owned them and once I changed that mindset; that I was worthy to sit at the table and experienced enough to not just sit at the table but run the table. You have to have this mentality if you are going to be able to negotiate and negotiate like a woman. Yes, there is a difference between how men and women negotiate.

Today, research has shown that 60% of women say they've never negotiated their salary and many quit their job instead. In fact, women are changing jobs more frequently at an alarming 72% rate. Could it be because they are not negotiating at their jobs and are unhappy? Good chance there is a connection here.  And a big part of the issue is how women are treated when they attempt to negotiate. 

That’s according to a new report from staffing firm Randstad US, which surveyed over 1,200 employed U.S. adults. Women, as it turns out, are much more likely than men to make a lateral move to improve their salary. And just over half of women are already considering leaving their jobs because they feel underpaid.

Also, studies show that people look down on women when they negotiate compared to when men negotiate. Why is that? Why is it negative for women to negotiate? Culture dictates much of this response. If we look back just 50 to 60 years ago, women's roles were very different. In fact, if we go farther back we see women couldn't own land, run a business, or even get a bank account without a husband. So are we surprised that over this time women were never properly trained to negotiate and when they do it is still today looked at negatively? So it's natural that women tend to stay away from negotiation due to lack of training and cultural expectations. I remember what a male colleague of mine said to me one time. You need to charge clients like a man, you are charging them like a woman would. At first, I was put off, and then as I thought about it, I thought, YOU"RE RIGHT! I am charging way less than my male counterparts because for some reason I think I don't deserve to negotiate for higher prices. That was eye-opening. Men are naturally more aggressive, almost always in negotiation. 

Studies show that if a woman negotiates for you it can be quite positive. Women are looked upon in a positive light if they are advocating for someone else. Studies also show if a woman negotiates in a collaborative manner this is looked upon in a favorable light. Let me show an example. If you come in as a woman and say I want to talk about negotiating my pay. This would be looked at negatively but if a woman comes in and says "I have a problem and I was hoping you could help me." Another company has offered me a job with a very lucrative salary but I want to stay here. I love this company. Could you help me figure out how I can stay? This is more collaborative and looked upon in a positive way because you are not demanding more money you are asking them to help you solve a problem. And from my experience, this works almost 100% of the time. You normally won't have someone say I won't help you, they usually say yes, let's see how we can figure this out. 

Also, ladies let's not leave out negotiating for other things. For example, maybe your work is budgeted for that salary you have and they can't up it. Look at what other amenities exist, maybe they let you work from home two days a week to cut down your commute. Maybe you negotiate for some better health benefits or negotiate for some more vacation time if you can't get more money. Often people will take lower pay for some of these benefits. I have learned over the years "everything is negotiable!" Yes, it's true! In fact, recently, I have been hiring new employees and there has been the negotiation of pay that was discussed by both men and women. I am actually proud all of them are doing this. I was able to meet most of them in the middle considering my budget for these positions. 

For my children's entertainment company, I would let my employees get free bounce houses or equipment for their family's parties or friends, I would let them use costumes for their own events. I made sure I didn't book any events on holidays unless they wanted to work them and we tried to do a higher pay for those dates. I worked hard to be flexible since most were college students and these extra amenities made it worth it to stay with my company.

The question is ladies, what is the number in your head or the benefits you want to make your job worth it? And what is your line? Meaning, what are you willing to settle for and what are you willing to let go of? Think deep on this. I know for me, one time I took a job that was a little less pay than I wanted but I could work remotely. I had just had a baby so I could be home with my newborn and still work. This gave me a lot of flexibility and allowed me to save money so I didn't have to put my newborn in daycare. So for me, this was the perfect option at that time in my life. It also saved me gas and time. 

Here is the thing ladies, everything takes practice. Malcolm Gladwell's rule is that you need to put in 10,000 hours of practice to become world-class in any field. So this takes practice. Try practicing with a friend or family. Also, start on something little. Maybe you negotiate a price on some clothing or shoes you see on sale and then build from there. What's the worst that happens, you go to negotiate your pay and they say no, you're not going to get fired for that. When you go in to negotiate, remember to think about what you have to offer the company that brings value to the company; that is above your job description and warrants more pay. Remember, above I said I always make myself a commodity that people and my clients do not want to live without. What is the company losing if you go to a competitor with better pay? Finally, do not stay stuck in a job you hate, with poor pay in a toxic environment. I see people will do this for years and the toll it takes on them. Step out, be bold, and be brave. And remember, always be your authentic self. 

Dr. Julie Ducharme