Confessions of a working mom who survied homeschooling!

Confessions of a Working Mom Who Survived Homeschool

As we all know we had a major shift happen in our lives 10 or is it 12 weeks ago. I am honestly starting to lose track. But this all started when the country started to deal with this Coronavirus. As a full time working mom who runs three companies, a traveling conference, and a college professor, I was suddenly hit with some big issues when I was notified kids were going to be home and we would be homeschooling them. I shuddered at the idea of this. I know most of you are thinking, Julie you have a doctorate degree, you're a college professor, come on, this is a walk in the park. Well, ladies, I kid you not it is not a walk in the park and many of us found that out quickly. I suddenly found myself trying to manage screen time and help teach my son math and my daughter how to write a decent essay while trying to interpret the teacher's lesson. Then I was trying to figure out how to deal with all my work. I am a big overachiever if you haven't noticed and I had waves of guilt and stress hitting me as I was wondering if I was homeschooling my kids well enough, and also trying to balance still putting in 120 percent in my work.

Basically, jobs that have been originally given to schools, teachers, tutors, babysitters were all suddenly the new responsibility of parents and more so, these tasks and responsibilities were falling mostly on the women. For me as a parent, I found this strange as my job keeps me busy and if I can't spend time with the kids I would feel so guilty, but now I was with them 24/7, and I should be happy right?  But I wasn't. I was stressed, torn between priorities and suddenly anxiety and depression that I beat years ago as I talked about in my books were creeping back in.  Normally I would give anything for a time like this but not under these circumstances where we are trapped with each other 24/7 and I am expected to continue my work which is happening basically from 8 at night to midnight.

Let's think about this, even before this quarantine happened balance was tough with my world and for many other mothers balancing multiple kids school, and sports schedules along with often working a part-time or full-time job. But now the thought of homeschooling kids in different grades all at once, now that's just crazy. My hat is off to all moms who were doing this normally. Then I thought to myself, I can't even imagine what a single parent is going through right now as I have a very supportive husband who is doing his best to help, but for many women that is not the case right now. The men are working and enjoying this remote life while the women are homeschooling, working, keeping the house together, and a long laundry list of other items.

Me cooking dinner before a photoshoot 

(no nanny ladies, the struggle is real)

A couple months back I wrote a piece on how despite the great strides we have made in this world where men are more involved in the family than ever before women are still struggling to get the support they need to be full-time workers and a mom. A recent journal from Pew Research Center (2013) stated: " On the home front, men are spending more time doing housework than they did in the 1960s" but those stats are still showing that this is still considerably disproportionate to what it could be. But now both husband and wife are home it should be even right? Both take turns to help out, right? Nope!  

I have surveyed 50 women recently on homeschooling the kids and working remotely at the same time and it is taking a serious toll on them, they are dealing with anxiety attacks, depression, anger, frustration, and their work is starting to suffer but yet the work still expects them to do the same amount of work knowing they are homeschooling kids at the same time. 

When I asked them if they asked their husband or significant other to help them, 50% said no they had not asked their counterpart for help. I also asked if they had talked to their boss about balancing the workload with homeschooling and 90% said no. With an underlying comment of I don't want it to look like I can't handle my job. So here's the thing ladies these answers were almost identical in each interview I did. We are not helping ourselves out either. So we can't totally blame our counterparts for not helping out if we are not willing to talk to them about it. 

But I did have women say their husband said they have to work and they can't take time to help. The other 50% of women stated their husbands had said they had to work and couldn't sacrifice time to support homeschooling even though both were working from home. So my assessment and advice as these stats were not surprising to me at all are that we as women typically don't ask for help and will suffer silently to make sure we look like strong women who can do it all. But that is not realistic. Come on! We just added full time teaching to our schedules. Ladies you have to convey that your job is just as important as your husbands or significant others and that these kids are both of your kids and you need support. I know for some of you this might not be a pretty situation but ask you're significant other why is your job more important than mine? Also, ask them if they rely on your income to come in then how do they feel if you don't bring in any income? These questions bring a realization that your work is important and brings to light how the family would do if you didn't work. And if you think you're not as important and your work is not important then you are wrong and it's time to reevaluate your worth. 

The culture has dictated long since the biblical times, that women should take on this load, in fact, I would say we were culturally socialized to do this and it is an expectation. Men were made fun of and called girly if they did "women's work". With this pandemic, it is really bringing to the forefront what really are the expectations of both husband and wife at home now that we are all stuck together 24/7. Let me just put this out that this does not apply to all men as there are some amazing husbands out there as mine is one of them, this issues is not the case for my household but it is for many women that I have surveyed. 

I value my children and they can't control that school was canceled and they are truly doing the best they can with this craziness, I can't fault them. I have good kids but despite how hard it is sometimes to be their teacher, coach, mom, in this crazy time, they are the most important thing in the world to me. But I have come to realize I can't do perfect, I can't have these crazy high expectations that I can be this amazing homeschool teacher when I am not a trained teacher. What I realized is that I need to survive because if I survive, I will thrive. To all the moms who are homeschooling kids and crying in the bathroom out of frustration, to all the moms working full time remotely and teaching kids in-between Zoom calls. To all the moms dealing with special needs kids with no support from anyone, to all the moms who took up the charge to overnight become your kid's teacher, coach, music teacher, and more, I salute you. I wish I could give you all hugs and large glasses of wine but till that time I send my admiration, respect, and love. Hang in their ladies, call each other, email, text, and support each other because all of you have just done the impossible.

Remember friends
Live, love and laugh and always be your authentic self
Dr. Julie Ducharme