Why doesnt equal ever seem to work when sharing family Household duties?

 

All right, so it's that day you have been waiting for, and maybe you and your girlfriends are finally getting to go hang all day at some awesome event, winery, spa and you went to great lengths to make sure you have the hubby or babysitter, or grandparent covering for you. As you start your day it's all going good until the first text comes in: Where are the kid's shoes? I can't find the kid's snack bag? Where is the brush for the kid's hair?

Or the most famous

When are you coming home? I need help with the kids?

(I can't help but love this movie by Michelle Pfeiffer who is a single mom juggling life, totally worth watching this video link)

moms juggling life.

Yep, I have not only received these texts but seen this happen to my good friends when they were in the middle of important things like work, public speaking events, all sorts of things that they couldn't leave but were expected to. 

 

I can't tell you how many times I have had a girlfriend say well I better just go home and help. WHAT??? is usually my response because I would assure them, their significant other could handle the children and would make due. 

But I see is this is happening all the time.  A recent survey by researchers at Harvard Business School revealed that 25% of divorced couples listed “disagreements about housework” as the top reason for breaking up. How can this be? Could housework really cause a couple to get divorced? 

Here is a fact from my research of working with women over the last 17 years, and with my dissertation study on women,  women feel overwhelmed by their house duties, job duties and everything in between. I even had a mother tell me she couldn't go to Costco anymore because is was just too overwhelming. 

So what are the solutions? Are we supposed to split housework 50/50? In my case, I work from home, but I don't spend all day doing housework, I cant! I have to actually work but ..... I do change the laundry, and I'll put a load of clothes up here and there and then I'll clean a toilet on my break. Do I do the majority of the housework. Yes, but only because my husband is at work from 7 am to usually 5pm, so if I waited for him to get home to split it 50/50 with me, then we would never get it done. 

Here is my thought. Our significant others can't be expected to carry the load we do as women. Studies show women, even full time working women, still carry 90% of the household chores and load. How do we work with our husband/significant others to balance out these issues?  We can have them own their own power in those areas they are best in. For example, I am not the best at working with my daughter on her math, but my husband, who is an elementary teacher is. Often I have my daughter wait until he gets home so he can help her, which helps me out. What many women have mentioned to me is they don't expect their husbands to do all they do, but they would like them to take responsibilities in the things they have promised to do without a million reminders from the wife. 

Another "study by Harvard researchers published this year in the American Sociological Review found that women reported doing more “cognitive labor” at home than their spouses did—such as anticipating needs (the kids prefer mustard to ketchup on their hot dogs), monitoring progress (are we running low on mustard?), identifying options (is the grocery store still open?) and making decisions (Dijon or yellow?). Men often don’t see or value this sort of invisible work until they start to do it themselves."

"Many studies, including one in 2017 funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, has found that the perception of fairness is a stronger predictor of a healthy marriage than the actual division of domestic labor."

How do we solve this? Well, communication is a key factor. We have to talk to each other, we have to be honest if we are overwhelmed, we need to say it. It's also ok to get help; often women don't ask for help because they think they will not be a good mom or wife if they have a house cleaner or a person who comes and walks the dog or puts up laundry. As much as we want 50/50 in this, it's not possible even when both couples are working, and then throw in kids...do we put up laundry when we get home or spend time with our kids? (I vote kids). I have found I have the most success in my marriage when I am open and honest and let my husband know my struggles as much as I don't want to do that then he knows where to pick up the torch and keep going. Do I feel guilty sometimes when he comes home, and the sink is full of dishes because I chose to work and not do dishes? Yes! But in that day, I have a list of 30 items of things I completed. 

So can it be 50/50? I don't think so, but can each person contribute in a meaningful way to help the other not feel so overwhelmed, yes that can happen, and that can make all the difference in the world.

Live, Love, Laugh,

and always be your authentic self!

Dr. Julie Ducharme

www.drjulieducharme.com